(to be continued)
© 1999 Alan Bremner
To view your one and only copy of a text file in DOS, the proper command line reads:
more *not*
If you think to yourself "What a rubbish program, it's overwritten all those files, without even a warning!", check that you copied them to the directory you thought you had.
When unzipping a self-extracting archive, its a good idea to do it in a directory with nothing else in it rather than one which already has hundreds of files. Considerable confusion and over-writing can occur.
When your mouse pointer is hovering over a Delete button, it's a jolly good tip to avoid dropping your sandwich on your mouse.
Never put cheap brown parcel tape on the side and front of a dozen cream coloured plastic PC cases unless you want to spend the next three hours with a bottle of meths and a rag trying to get the sticky residue off.
Having meticulously labelled all the plugs around ones home office with labels which say "printer", "modem", "power supply" etc. Before pulling out the one labelled "radio" to insert the one labelled "fan" - ensure that the "radio" labelled cable is in the radio and not the printer. This is especially valuable advice when printing, for example.
Never try and remove a floppy-drive without gloves on, it can cause bad stains on the carpet.
When expanding your RAM, it's a good tip to make sure that you put the new simms in, and not just put the old ones back. You may suffer from apparent loss of memory if you do the latter.
Save yourself a lot of grief by connecting the motherboard power-connectors before putting the screws in the casing and trying to switch on.
Save yourself even more grief by remembering which way round they go!
Computers often fail to boot satisfactorily, if you haven't sys'd a hard drive first.
When installing a new HDD and it fails to boot the machine correctly, it's a good move to ensure that you have given it a supply of power.
When using a utility that completely wipes data from a partition, remember to point it at the partition you want wiped... and NOT your boot partition.
Your CPU fan *is* running, if you lose the end of your fingernail.
When your 200Mhz K6 which has been running uninterrupted for over 10 days suddenly starts crashing with Trap 000E errors, when checking for loose SIMMs etc it is a good idea to wonder why you've just burned your hand on the cpu heatsink. A few seconds thought here can save several hours fruitless head-scratching before a knackered cooler fan becomes obvious.
When a (l)user reports that a keyboard is operating erratically, it is generally a good idea to ensure that all sandwich remnants are removed from the interior of the keyboard in question.
If your laptop doesn't seem to be charging properly, check that the socket is switched on.
... *or* that some git who borrowed your desk didn't unplug your power cable.
I found a new variant of this last night. If none of the sockets in your hotel room seem to work, see if there is a master switch by the door.
When networking a laptop and a desktop using Win95, it is a good idea to check that they both have IPX installed as a protocol, don't assume that they're using TCP/IP (just because that's what you thought it was).
When doing a cut'n'tape temporary rewire job to get power into a 3.5" floppy from a 5.25" connector, reversing the 5 and 12v lines helps to prevent the drive from getting fried.
When plugging in the power lead to your laptop, it's a good idea not to hold the silver end, that plugs into the machine, as you push the mains plug into the wall.
When installing a new game and the sound doesn't work, rather than spend 1/2 an hour reinstalling it and your sound drivers check that the volume is turned up.
It is a major step forward to remember that your password for your office Lotus Notes system is *not* your FONiX one.
Using your password as your login name doesn't work.
When using an on-line system very rarely, like the Online Daily Telegraph, it's a good idea to use a password that you will remember 3 months later when you next want to use it.
When calling a BBS long distance to exchange mail, when the moment for uploading arrives be sure to hit the PAGE UP key instead of the adjacent but all-too-handy PAUSE key!
When moving your dental office's Novell Netware network to a new location that has previously had seven Cat 5 runs of UTP cable installed, take care to *not* set a 100-150lb. computer desk on one of said Cat 5 runs. It tends to wreak havoc with the ability of the device connected to the server through that particular cable run to communicate with said server.
If you do a "find file" on your machine, because you're using a different comms program to upload your .rep file to the BBS, it's a good idea to check the year, as well as the date. Otherwise you may accidentally upload one from exactly a year ago.
9:05am monday morning - Coffee does not come out of the machine when you punch in your cashcard pin number.
[most of the week] There is a certain futility to pressing the telephone handset to your ear and punching numbers into your calculator ...
And similiarly so for changing TV channels using a mobile phone..
... and trying to unlock your front door using the car's "zapper".
After editing CONFIG.SYS to REM out a statement, if your computer fails to finish booting to the WorkPlace Shell, make sure you have not, by mistake, REMmed out the line which says:
SET RUNWORKPLACE=C:\OS2\PMSHELL.EXE
When attempting to get one's shiny new SCSI system to boot, ensure that one hasn't accidently disabled the SCSI boot facility beforehand.
Don't forget to terminate the only SCSI device that you have, otherwise problems may occur which will confuse you.
When testing an allegedly duff & knacked video card for someone else, remember to plug the monitor into the card... otherwise you will readily believe that the card is indeed duff when you boot and get a blank screen.
If monitor keeps closing down intermittemtly. for no apparent reason, check that the power cable is fully home *before* logging a hardware fault.
After a long journey to get your perfectly servicable monitor replaced for one which will fail the next day, save yourself a second trip by getting a refund right away.
Before driving 80 miles to get your faulty moniter replaced, ensure that you have inserted some RAM into the computer you are assembling.
If you're struggling to create a shortcut to some new software, always check to see that you have installed it first.
If you're cycling through all your active windows to try and find what you were reading just before you got interrupted, try looking at the magazine lying on your desk.
(to be continued)
© 1999 Alan Bremner